Identity, Success, + the messy in-between
So, this is the second time I am writing this post because my computer crashed. My first thought was to get angry but, quickly I felt as though Jesus wants me to type this all out again to you so I truly engrain it into myself. (Also, to keep up with some of our photos follow us on instagram/facebook. The internet is terrible here so uploading photos is impossible right now.) Take two:
My body has never done jet lag “well.” On our first morning I was up at 4am. Here we are on day two and I was up wide awake at 5am. Thats progress though, right? I forgot how much I needed Christ here. It is easy for the days to become exhausting as you look around and take in the hopelessness you see in the eyes of those you pass on the streets. I forgot how hopeless the religion of Hinduism holds. Yesterday, I felt myself get tired quickly. I know part of that was from the jet lag but I also know full well part of it was from the spiritual oppression that is so evident here.
As I sit here in Kathmandu, Nepal with my husband & some of my closest friends, I am in awe of Christ. He continues to use this place to fulfill all the dreams I am holding. When I came to Nepal in 2012, it was a dream come true. I had tried to get here for 3 years before it finally came to be. Here I am, 4 years later, and God is still using Nepal to grow & refine my relationship with him, myself, and those around me.
My first reaction when I saw that it was only 5am was to be angry that I still couldn’t sleep. But, instead I decided to take this time alone to meet with Jesus & bring to him a lot of struggles my heart is holding. As I shared before, I have wrestled with the feeling of inadequacy. I feel inadequate to be here, to work with these photographers and stylists because surely, I am not good enough. I want to share something with you from my prayer this morning:
As I look into this trip & wait for all the moments to unfold, its a sweet reminder that you are the author of our dreams & passions. And if that is true, than you are going to see us through. You are faithful and your plans are perfect. I am been struggling with feeling inadequate & good enough, but, if you have given me these dreams, that means you will work in every moment & every detail. I don't have to fret or be scared because your victory & your identity is already sung over me. My victory and identity are in you. You are the truest thing about me, & if that is true, than that means comparison and inadequacy are automatically void. Remind me that it is you that makes me adequate. If I refuse to hold & believe that, than I am refusing to believe your promises & all you did for me in salvation. If I truly find all my identity & adequacy in you, that I already know my place in the world: to love you & make you known. May you destroy the identity I have placed in myself, my work, my success & my failures. Break me down & raise me back up in you.